


Condemn The Nearly Witches

by bang-the-smoke (708_things)



Series: Bandom Oneshots [15]
Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Falling In Love, Homophobic family, M/M, Religious Themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-10
Updated: 2019-12-10
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:40:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21739255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/708_things/pseuds/bang-the-smoke
Summary: Brendon's family doesn't take his coming out well. They force him to pretend and lie about how he feels. And he meets Ryan, who understands how he feels. They hide, because it's the only way for them.
Relationships: Ryan Ross/Brendon Urie, Sarah Orzechowski/Brendon Urie
Series: Bandom Oneshots [15]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1556635
Kudos: 8





	Condemn The Nearly Witches

**Author's Note:**

> possibly my best one-shot?
> 
> mainly inspired by the nearly witches demo and one of ryan's livejournal posts. i know they're written by ryan, but for angsty religion purposes, the fic makes it from brendon. 
> 
> cross-posted on wattpad under bang-the-smoke.

If Brendon didn't know any better, he would say that the ground has fallen out from underneath him. He would say that he is levitating off the ground, just barely avoiding the fall into Hell. If he didn't know any better, he would say that nothing has changed. But he does know better, and he knows the truth standing before him. Didn't he always?

Indifferent mothers and toxic fathers. How she claims it's all a phase that'll go away with some prayer and a gorgeous girl. The fire in his father's eyes as he stares down at his son with poison falling from his lips.

"You're not a son of mine," his father spits, the bitterness of the words hitting him with a certain ache. That's all he ever wanted to be; he always wanted to make his father proud, but being true to himself seems to make everyone angry.

"Nothing has changed," Brendon pleads, and it's something he is saying for himself more than anything else. How can they remove a familial tie so recklessly? Isn't blood supposed to be thicker than water?

"Oh, how it has," his mother answers. She's normally not so strict on him like his father is, but this sin must be too condemning for mercy. "We'll pray it away."

"And if that doesn't work," his father says roughly, "we'll make it go away." The threat is clear, and the malicious gleam in his eyes tells more than his words ever could. Brendon gulps, the hollow feeling in his chest sinking in to assist the ominious mood.

He knows that obedience is the only thing that can save him now. "Yes, sir," he says. "May I be excused?"

His father looks like he wants to interject, but his mom leans in to whisper something into his ears. If he had any guess, she probably said they needed time to figure out what to do. "Alright," his father decides. "You may. Don't let us regret that."

Brendon practically runs out of the room. He leaves the house, and runs to somewhere they will never bother him: the woods. The woods are said to be cursed from the generations before, and even though it's always been just an outlandish rumor, his mother and father wouldn't be caught dead here.

Brendon found it creepy too. The trees seem to be never ending, and the wolves farther inside the forest howl warning calls. The darkness made it seem mysterious, but for some reason, on this particular night, it was comforting. At least this was something he could deal with, something that didn't hurt.

And a wolf howled his pain to the moon, as if the moon would ever listen.

\---

In the morning, his mother tells him that they came to an agreement. "We need your cooperation to get rid of this sickness of yours. Then, we can love you again."

Their love is so fickle. Shouldn't the love for a son be unconditional? Doesn't their God preach about love and forgiveness of sin? He pushes those thoughts aside and says, "What shall I do?"

"There's this beautiful young lady we know who would be perfect for you," his mother chirps, probably forgetting his sin. How could she be perfect for him, when no woman is? Yet again, he pushes that thought aside.

They take him to meet her that night, at a dinner with her parent's. They know nothing about Brendon's sickness, which is to be expected, because who would flaunt that? The girl, Sarah, takes a liking to him early on.

"So, what do you like to do for fun?" Sarah asks, from their seperate booth. Their set of parents are chatting it all up, probably signing away Brendon's life to this girl, who he doesn't know.

"I play instruments and sing sometimes. Mainly covers, but I do my own songs sometimes," he tells her. He figures that's interesting enough for her.

Her eyes brighten. "A musician, hmm." She smiles gingerly. "Interesting. I like to..." She keeps speaking, but Brendon keeps tuning in and out. He nods when he thinks it's appropriate, and it seems to be going fine.

When she's done talking, he says, "That sounds fun."

"It is," she replies, still smiling. "You know, I had my reservations about this, but this isn't too bad."

"Yeah," Brendon hesitantly agrees. It's all that she needs in order to gain the courage to lean in and kiss him. He wants to pull away, but he can feel the weight of his parents stare on the back of his head. He kisses back reluctantly, placing a hand on her lower back.

After the dinner, she waves goodbye to him with a crimson blush on her cheeks. If he were someone else, he might've felt fluttering in his stomach. But he can't help but think about how he's just supposed to go along with this, because it's what is seen as more acceptable.

"How did you like Sarah?" his mother asks on the drive home.

"I didn't," Brendon angrily admits. "She practically threw herself on me."

"So?" his father questions, his lips pursing into a firm line. His hands on the driving wheel tighten. "Many people would love to be in your position."

"Why can't you guys just accept me for who I am?" Brendon rages, fury raising in his voice. "Isn't that what God would want?"

His father quickly slams the breaks, the car jolting to a stop. He turns around to face his son, rage written around his features like it's always meant to be there. "God doesn't approve of freaks like yourself," he sneers. "I would rather be the father of a murderer than a faggot."

Brendon flinches back, and turns his gaze to his mother. She looks eerily calm, staring at him intently. It's in that moment that he knows they have both given up on him.

"What do you want from me?" Brendon yells.

"We want you to be normal," his mother finally snaps. "Be the good, Mormon son you were always supposed to be."

"Why can't you two be the good fucking parents you were always supposed to be?" Brendon yells. At his words, both adults seem to cower.

"Get out of this car," his father says, controlled anger clear in his voice. Brendon tries to protest, but he adds, "Before I lose control and beat your sickness out of you." Brendon quickly gets out of the car.

They drive off without him, and the message is clear: walk home yourself. They've always been sticklers for respect, but this was unbelieveable. He walks home bitterly, his heart crushed.

In the dead of night, when he knows both of his parents are asleep, he throws his Bible into the lit fireplace and denounces God. If there is a God, why would He design Brendon this way, just for his parent's to hate his very existence? Why would God allow this to happen? Why doesn't God care about him?

Brendon just wants his parents' acceptance, but he knows that'll never happen.

\---

The worst part of it is, life keeps going. Nothing stops just because Brendon lost the love of his mother and father. All it's really done is force him to hang out with a girl he doesn't care for. Well, that and inspiring him to make more music. Artists all around the world create their best works while heartbroken, and Brendon can definitely see why.

All of his songs from before seem juvenile to him compared to what he makes now. It feels like he has a purpose to writing them, a story or message to put out. Writing music is therapeutic, and helps him get through the stress of trying to pretend to be straight and trying to pretend he doesn't mind being without his parents. This, of course, completely ignores the fact that he also ditched religion without them knowing.

God used to be a comforting presence. People look up to God because they want to believe their life has more meaning than it does. They want to believe there's somebody out there that loves them, regardless of their sin. They want to believe their creator has a plan for them, that He has a plan for everyone. Brendon doesn't believe in any of that anymore, because he knows that there are unforgiveable sins. He knows that God is just a coping mechanism, created by lonely people for other lonely, desperate people.

He may not love God anymore, but he does feel lost without Him. Religion had defined his existence, gave him a sense of purpose. He had a path to follow, laid out by God, and laid out by his parents. There were things he was going to accomplish, but all of that has went to shit.

His plans are to survive through high school and then literally move out as soon as he can. He can't live with his parents anymore when they act like he's the Devil incarnate. There's just something about their anger and sadness that makes him almost regret being homosexual.

Sometimes, he'll hear them arguing at night, when they think he's asleep. His mother will keep saying things like, "I just wanted the perfect family!" His father will argue with, "I just want that abomination gone."

It doesn't take a genius to know that they're talking about him. The divisions between his parents are causing even more problems, problems that aren't concerning him. He's literally destroying the family.

He runs to the woods, carrying a notebook and a pen. Accompanied by the howls of wolves, he scribbles lyrics down. He vents his frustrations of ruining his family, and maybe none of this will make sense to anyone else, but it does to him. He drops a pen and reads over his words, already hearing the melody to the song in his head.

He'll put this all together whenever they go out. This'll be his song to challenge the way they treat him. The song is a metaphor in itself, using witchcraft as the sin that plagues the narrator. But the message is clear: the narrator ruined his family by being who they are.

\---

On the next date his parents orchestrate, Sarah demands to hear some of his music. They're over at his house, and he already has the song made, so why not?

"Why is it only like a minute long?" Sarah asks, looking at the file _Nearly Witches.mp3._

"It's a demo," he replies. A demo that will hopefully never be finished, he adds silently to himself. He clicks on the file, and immediately they hear him singing accompanied by the instrumental. He watches her facial features as the song goes on. Her nose scrunches up, and her forehead creases. She can't understand what it's about, which is a good thing.

Once it's over, she comments, "That was so creepy."

He guesses that it is. The instrumental's really what makes it feel that way, but it's just what he felt fit the words. "Yeah," he replies. "I don't normally write songs like that, but yeah."

She still looks weirded out, and Brendon smiles despite himself. If she thinks he's weird, then good. Maybe then she'll run away and then his parents might snap out of this and leave him be.

But she doesn't. She smiles and talks about her day, and he listens to be respectful. Why won't this girl take the hint?

When she's done talking, he asks, "Can I trust you, Sarah?"

"Of course," she says happily. She touches his shoulder. "I know our parents are forcing this, but I really like you."

He cringes, and her face drops. "It's actually related to that," he says. Then, he pauses. It's really hard to get the next words out, because of how his parent's reacted last time he said them. "But I'm... gay. I'm gay," he declares.

She drops her hand from his shoulder, her jaw dropping in disbelief. "Wait, really?"

"Yeah," he says, and nods. "My parents are trying to fix me."

She's still surprised, but she's not lashing out like his parents did. The ground isn't falling out from beneath him, and she's not exploding with rage. Instead, she just smiles, like this doesn't matter. "You're still you," she states, and Brendon feels the urge to cry.

"Thank you so much," he says shakily, and pulls her into a hug. She gasps, before wrapping her arms around him. "They treat me like shit and make me feel disgusting for who I am. You're the only one who's accepted me."

"I'm so sorry to hear that," Sarah murmurs, her head dropping onto his shoulder. "I'm so sorry everything's such a mess."

"It's fine," Brendon sighs. He can't believe Sarah's so kind. And now he feels guilty for ever thinking she could be a shitty person.

"We can trick your parents," she suggests. "They might lay off your back if they really think we're a couple."

Brendon bites his lip and wonders if they would really believe him at this point. Wouldn't it be too soon after all that he has said? But then again, his mother had been so convinced Sarah could turn him straight, so who knows? "Let's try it," he says.

He's glad Sarah knows what she's getting into now. If he were still lying, then she might have even fell for him, and that would've made him feel awful.

When Sarah leaves, Brendon goes over to his parents. "How was it?" his mother asks.

"It was great," Brendon grins, and they immediately take those words without question. His parents smile at each other.

It really was great. At least somebody knows who he is and doesn't hate him for it.

\---

School is weird. He used to hate it, but now he sees it as a sanctuary. He doesn't even mind the people there anymore, because they can't be as bad as his parents.

During band class, his friend, Spencer, decides he should introduce Brendon to someone. "You've been kind of lonely lately," he states, not knowing that he prefers it that way.

"True, true," Brendon nods. "So, what's his name again?"

"Ryan," Spencer answers. "You might have seen him around before, but I doubt it. He doesn't really put himself out there."

Brendon hums, looking back down at his instrument. Spencer suddenly clears his throat, making him look back up. Spencer's suddenly got a stern look on his face that makes him feel like a little kid who's about to get disciplined.

"I guess I should tell you now that Ryan is gay," Spencer says. "If that's a problem with you, then tell me now rather than later."

He's proud that Spencer would go that far to protect a friend, but really he doesn't know the truth. How could he have a problem with it when he's gay too? Spencer probably made that assumption because he knows he's got a Mormon background, because he also doesn't know that Brendon stopped caring about religion. It made him realize that he should probably update his friend on a few things, but he felt scared to.

"It's no problem with me," Brendon states. "Love is not a choice."

Spencer visibly relaxes, smiling at him. "I'm glad you think that way."

Brendon doesn't know if he should tell him. It would be so easy to just add on that he's also gay, considering he knows Spencer supports the community now, but it doesn't feel right. He thinks he's gotten tired of repeatedly coming out. The anxiety and the nausea makes him feel awful, and it's just not worth it right now. Spencer doesn't need to know.

He's interested by the idea of Ryan, another gay guy. It's nice to talk to somebody that understands it completely. Sarah's nice to talk to, but she's straight, and doesn't understand the anxiety, the fear, and all the other feelings. She can imagine them, but not feel them.

After class, Spencer leads him to the cafeteria, 2nd lunch just beginning. "He also has this lunch period, so we'll just sit at his table."

"He has his own table?" Brendon questions, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, most of the time," Spencer answers, and navigates them over to a table tucked into the corner of the room after they get their lunch tray's. They beat Ryan there, so it's empty. Spencer sits down on one of the seats.

"Should I just sit down or wait?" Brendon asks nervously. For some reason, he really wants Ryan to like him.

"Just sit down, dingus," Spencer laughs, patting the seat on his right. Brendon sits down and places his tray down. He can't really concentrate, just focusing on the fact that someone's coming to the table.

About two minutes later, Ryan finally appears. He seems to notice Brendon first, then he turns to look at Spencer with confusion. "Is he a friend of yours?"

Spencer nods. "Yup, I've told you about him before." He gestures over to him. "This is Brendon. Brendon, meet Ryan."

Then, Brendon takes the chance to really look at him. He's tall, lanky, honey eyed and gorgeous. He's got his hair swept to the side, and he's wearing a vest of some kind. It's ugly, but yet, he feels like it fits him. Once he actually goes back to looking at his eyes, Ryan meets his gaze. Was it his imagination that Ryan had been assessing him too?

"It's nice to meet you," Brendon says, and Ryan grins.

"Yeah, it is." He tilts his head to the side and considers him. "Spencer said you're in band, and you're a good singer too."

"Spencer is very flattering," Brendon replies, wondering where he's taking this conversation.

"I could be the judge of that," Ryan offers. "You write any of your own songs?"

Brendon's mind flashes to Nearly Witches. It's not a song he would proudly show people to demonstrate talent, but if anyone could understand it even slightly, maybe he could. "Yeah, I can show you one some time, if you would like."

Ryan grins. "That sounds nice."

Spencer starts conversing with Ryan, and Brendon naturally adds into it, cracking jokes and easing any potential awkwardness.

When the lunch bell rang, Brendon found himself feeling disappointed. Though they were not getting to the kind of conversation Brendon desperately wanted to have, he still found it to be pleasing. "We should hang out again sometime," he says to Ryan.

"I concur," Ryan nods. Then, he smiles, looking him up and down.

"What is it?" Brendon asks, and faintly hears Spencer's footsteps fading away, knowing he's not in earshot anymore.

"You're kind of cute, y'know," Ryan muses, "for a loser who wears purple hoodies."

Brendon chuckles, his cheeks becoming warm. He's never felt confident with flirting, but he's willing to give it a go. "Not all of us can look gorgeous in vests," he smiles.

Ryan didn't reply, but the smile still gracing his lips told him enough.

Brendon thinks they're going to get on well.

\---

And they do. They become friends quickly, though Brendon is still apprehensive around him. He hasn't told Spencer or him the truth, and he doesn't know how to bring it up.

Sarah keeps telling him to be honest with him, but that's what he did with his parents. Where did that get him, exactly? She always looked at him with pity when he would argue that, so he eventually stopped bringing that conversation up.

And then it goes to the point where Ryan wants to hang out at his house. "Why not yours?" Brendon asks, not trying to be suspicious.

Ryan takes a moment to respond, "That way you can show me your music." But his hesitation makes Brendon feel like he just doesn't want him over at his house, for some reason.

Brendon doesn't pry and says, "Okay." Then he adds, "Just a warning. My family's very religious."

Ryan smiles. "I know. It shouldn't be a problem."

So Ryan's over at his house, and his parents already think this is suspicious. "Who is this?" his mother asks.

"This is Ryan," Brendon introduces them to his friend. "Ryan, my parents."

They're immediately suspicious that Brendon is engaging in homosexual activity with this boy. Why else would he bring a boy over? His father gets down to the chase. "Ryan, are you straight?"

 _Fuck._ Before Brendon can interject, Ryan chuckles. "Nope," he says casually, not realizing how the atmosphere suddenly shifts. It's stiff, and Brendon can feel his parents distain, can feel them analyzing him and questioning him.

"That's not a problem, right?" Ryan questions, his voice soft. Brendon reckons it's hard for his parents to hate him, but they will, and they do.

"Of course not. Our God says to love thy neighbor," Brendon answers for them, his words carrying a hint of bitterness. His parents evade eye-contact, but his mother nods. It makes him feel satisfied to throw that at them, knowing they can't deny it around company. They have that sense of respect.

That doesn't make them any less petty. "Brendon, have you asked that girl Sarah to be your girlfriend yet?" his father loudly asks, abruptly changing the subject. Brendon tenses up, thinking of his response.

"I didn't know you were dating someone," Ryan whispers to him. Brendon smiles awkwardly, because his father put him in quite a conundrum.

"Not yet," Brendon answers his father, sighing. He knows that this is what they want to hear, but it's hard to say it around Ryan.

"A shame," his mother comments. "She's a lovely girl."

Brendon makes a vague agreeing noise and looks over at Ryan. He wants to know how he feels about this, but he doesn't expect him to care much. Ryan meets his gaze and raises an eyebrow. ' _Why didn't you tell me?'_ is what he seems to be asking just through his expression.

Brendon shakes his head, and hopes Ryan can see _I'll tell you later_ in his expression. Ryan seems to nod briefly, before turning back to Brendon's parents and smiling.

"May we please be excused?" Brendon politely asks, and his parent's nod.

"Brendon, can you stay back for a minute?" his father requests. Brendon nods, and tells Ryan to go upstairs. He already has a feeling that this won't be pleasant. Ryan leaves, so he turns back to face them.

"I can't believe you would bring a boy like that over," his mother sneers. Brendon used to think that she was the sympathethic one of the pair, but really she could be as cruel as his father when she wants to be.

"Don't be like that towards him," Brendon snarls. "Act your worst around me, but not company. Be the dignified adults you are."

"Dignified?" His father scoffs. "Why should we act dignified around abominations?"

"For someone who loves God, you clearly don't care about His message. Love thy neighbor," is Brendon's response. Then, before his parent's can retort, he goes upstairs. Ryan's sitting in his bean bag chair when he enters the room.

"The walls are thin," Ryan says. "I heard all of that." He sounds hurt, but he hides it under a front of being emotionless.

"I'm sorry they said all of that," Brendon apologies on their behalf. "Just know that I don't believe in any of that."

Ryan stands up, and walks towards him. "Can I ask you something?" When Brendon nods, he says, "You said that they act their worst around you. What does that mean? And what's the deal about Sarah?"

There's only one real answer to those questions, but Brendon doesn't know if he wants the answer to fall from his lips. It shouldn't be hard to confess to Ryan, considering he's also gay, but it's still making him panic. "Sarah is a girl they want me to date," Brendon answers. "So, Sarah and I are pretending that we are dating." Then, he takes a deep breath and adds, "They're pissed off at me because I told them I'm gay."

Ryan doesn't react dramatically. He doesn't have much of a reaction to begin with. Brendon, who thinks this is the right moment, says, "Let me show you this song I wrote. It's more of a demo, really, but whatever."

It sounds like a change of subject, but really the song is about his situation. He thinks Ryan just might get all of his metaphors about his family life and his misery. He's curious of what that would mean.

"What's it called?" Ryan asks, sitting back down on the bean bag chair. He looks comfortable, like his room is peaceful. It's the only area in the house that makes Brendon feel like that too. Brendon pulls up the folder where _Nearly Witches.mp_ 3 lies.

"Nearly Witches," Brendon replies, and clicks on it, making sure his volume is all the way up.

Brendon pays attention to Ryan's face throughout the entire time it plays. His face kind of relaxes, a look of awe plastered across it. When Sarah had listened to it, she had called it creepy, but his expression makes Brendon think he appreciates it in a different way.

_"And as the stars watched me descend, I cracked the family tree and chopped off all of the branches..."_

There was a soft look in his eyes when that lyric played. Perhaps Ryan felt the way he did, even if for a different reason. He turns to Brendon when it finishes, and Brendon scrambles to say, "It's not perfect, obviously, but you know. I like it."

"I like it too," Ryan says quietly. "And I connect with it. It's like you sang words I've thought, but never said."

And then he's just staring at him, and Brendon flushes. "Yeah, well," he says awkwardly. "It's full of teenage angst, isn't it?"

"It's more than that," Ryan answers calmly. "Even if we connect with it in two different ways, there's still the feeling of disappointment, and I'm no stranger to being the bearer of disappointment."

Brendon licks his lips, feeling dazed.   
There's this air of understanding around them, and it feels so _goo_ d. It feels like they've known each other for years, rather than just a couple weeks.

"There's something about you," Brendon says, trailing off.

"Yeah?" Ryan asks, smiling shyly. And Brendon may never get this chance again, may never feel another moment like this, which fuels him to lean forward and press his lips against Ryan's.

He hadn't really expected Ryan's enthusiasm towards it, but it was welcomed. And it feels fucking amazing to kiss him, kiss someone who gathered his full attention so quickly. He doesn't want to stop, but logic catches up to him.

Brendon pulls away. "We can't do this."

It takes a moment for Ryan to catch on. The location is the problem, especially with those thin walls he had mentioned earlier. "Is there somewhere else we can go?"

Is there somewhere we can be ourselves? He doesn't say that, but Brendon feels the meaning behind it anyway. Brendon nods, and stands up before pulling Ryan to his feet as well. He swears he can feel his parents stare on them as they walk out of the house, headed towards the forest.

"They won't come here," Brendon tells him. Ryan nods beside him, and the two walk further into the forest before allowing themselves to be free.

The moonlight hits Ryan's pale skin in an alluring way, and Brendon is hit with the thought that he wouldn't change a thing. The lips on his are warm and comforting, in a way nothing has been in a long time.

"I wish it could always just be us," Ryan sighs, when they pull apart.

"I know how you feel," Brendon says. When they leave the woods and split off seperately, there's an air of understanding between them. Brendon feels alone when he's in bed that night, knowing he doesn't have to be, only if he were a little braver.

\---

They don't talk about what happened in Brendon's room and in the woods. Even when Spencer questions what happened between them, they say nothing.

Meanwhile, he's been pressured by his parents to actively pursue Sarah. Before had been the test drive, and they are persistent that Sarah was the match for him. Who is he to tell them no?

He's terrified of them and what will happen to him if he speaks up again. He wants to tell them that he will never fit into this life they set out for him, that he'll never be the son they want. He can't change, but he can pretend.

Sarah pities him, like always. When he asks her out, she says yes, if only to help him out. Pretending is all he knows now.

She sits with them at the lunch table. Spencer takes the news kindly, none the wiser about why this is all so messy. Ryan doesn't comment, knowing too much.

Brendon's not dumb enough to say that him and Ryan were in love. What they had was merely a fling, a rebellion against their parents. There was attraction, sure, but it wasn't love. And the way Ryan's moping isn't about his lover being stolen, because he was never a lover. They never had the chance.

And that's the kicker. Brendon will never know what could have been.

\---

Brendon notices a change, and it's definitely not good. His mother had highly suggested that Sarah should come over for dinner one night, and Brendon had taken her up on that.

Sarah was sweet talking his parents from the start to the end. "It's really nice to meet you," she says, as if she knew nothing about what they had done to him.

"It's good to meet you as well," his father replies. "I'm looking forward to seeing the future between you and my son."

Sarah smiles. "Me too," she says, before throwing a meaningful look at Brendon. And that's when everything shatters, because she's looking at him as if she really loves him. By now, Brendon knows she's a shitty actor, so it's not like she's just being really convincing for his parents.

After dinner, the two head up to Brendon's room. Sarah's all shy and nothing like she had acted before. "Sarah, how could you let yourself do this?" he questions.

It wasn't her fault she fell in love, but she should've been more cautious. "Let myself?" she laughs. "Oh, it was so easy to do it. Besides, your parents were right. I am changing you."

She kisses him, and though it's not the first time, it's the only time it's felt real. On her part, at least.

Was he ever really free?

\---

"Is there somewhere you can meet me?" Brendon asks, longing in his voice as he gazes at his friend. It's just the two of them, but the area is so open and exposed.

"Those woods," Ryan replies, after a moment. "It was fine before, wasn't it?"

Ryan misses him as much as Brendon misses him. Brendon almost smiles.

When they meet there, they kiss each other like the world is ending. It's exaggerated, but for two angsty teens, it really does feel like that. They can never really be together, and this is the closest they'll ever get.

But that's not a reason for him to stop pursuing his wants. He wants and wants, and they may tell him that there is no need. That what he's doing is wrong. But they aren't him, and they aren't kissing the boy they could've loved, hidden away. They don't know how he feels.

"This is why if you want to kiss, you should kiss. If you want to cry, you should cry. And if you want to live, you should live. You don't have to love me. You already did."

Brendon has never felt more alive than he does now.


End file.
